I need to change a lot about myself.  I hate the way I think, it scares me so much.  I think of horrible things day in and day out i can see anything and as soon as I do I imagine a way of it dying or a horrible scenario that could happen to them.  Which is also a main cause of all of my anxiety with my dad.  I have dreams of me killing my family or my family killing me very often.  Sounds weird, but I do and its also very frightening.  But that doesnt matter on to whats been getting me down.  You went and got high with one of my best friends they told me what you said about me.  You said I’m the only girl youve ever felt bad about hurting.  Youve been with around 30+ girls now and that means alot.  Some other things were said by you like you constantly feel like you need to talk to me.  So i texted you an hour or so after that and guess what you told me those things.  You also told me you wanted to  hang out because we left alot of things unsaid and you wanted to talk about them and you wanted to hug me and you care about me.  I fell back into it well i started to i started thinking about you FAR too much thinking of you over my boyfriend,  and hes amazing and caring and wonderful for me so I definetly do not need to do that.  but i did and it was scary and i actually agreed i wanted to hang out with you i was going to lie to him.  I promised myself id be a good girlfriend to him.  So this morning i woke up and i didnt feel right about it i texted you and told you ive changed my mind you acted upset and said i cant keep stringing you around which didnt really make any sense.  It made me feel awful though. It did.  I talked to the friend of mine you talked to about it he said i should hang out with you because it would help. he said “lying is not right but sometimes you have to do it because the other person isnt going to understand your way of viewing it”  SO i was going to text you back and say i wanted to but i refrained from it.  I cant do that. i cant hurt him i cant. even if he doesnt know ill know itll eat away at me.  I dont need to care about you anymore i mean i do, i have alot of memories with you you took alot from me and you changed me. Im weak now, im weak and i say its because of you.  Doesnt matter, maybe its good for me.  I cant keep thinking about you.  I already caused him to wonder why iwas upset and i told him nothing i told him i was fine, so now he probably thinks im pushing him away and leaving him out of my life. Thats how you made me feel, i never want to make him feel the way you made me feel.   All of the events that changed me happened a year ago from now, and time keeps going.  9 months ago i was with you. 9 whole months it feels like 2 months ago i was a wreck crying on the floor.  But when we first started hanging out it wasnt bad wasnt bad at all.  The first night i lied in your bed was perfect you took your arm and put it around me that first kiss perfect. Im not going to go on about this because well there is NO point.  Youare gone now and ive moved on im with my new boyfriend who i love very much and i know he loves me and i know we can last for a long time.  But you made me really happy you did, I coouldnt stop smiling when i was around you.  Ill probably never have that feeling again so thank you for it while it lasted, i would LOVE to be your friend hang out with you talk to you.  Id love to talk to you about everything id love to cry in front of you.  Iknow youd care but i cant lie to him.  I cant do that to him.  So ill be strong and i wont.  erg this is going no where. Im done there is no point to this, i shouldnt have wrote this. I shouldnt have thought this.  You should be free from my mind, but well you wont go.