Nights like these make me want to go back to how nights used to be. The familiar feeling of laying on the floor crying as I slice the blades across my skin. No, that did not hurt…. that is not what hurt. Everything inside me hurt and after that it is like all of that pressure its gone. I would love to do it again I would love to feel the rush of it again. But I cant I promised you I wouldnt. You say I dont fucking care enough to stop all of that stuff you are mad about. I care enough not to hurt myself anymore and that is a big step. Took me 5 years to actually decide that I was not going to do it ever again. I used to like my scars but now im sick of them. Im sick of making excuses for them even though its obvious. Im sick of it. I may get some sort of scar removal to make them go away. Im sick of all of this fighting. I hate my thoughts and I’m afraid to sleep because I’m even more afraid of my dreams.
I honestly dislike it so much when you tell me about how much your family basically calls me a slut. It hurts and makes me feel like shit.
I’m pretty sure you may or may not have found this blog. I dont plan on changing the URL.
Oh well. I love you. I’m afraid of you leaving, me, school etc. I wish I could just be done with school so I could be with you more. I hate worrying I hate missing you. i HATE jealousy.
If I fucked up long ago,
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it counted.
I didn’t realize it counted.
I didn’t realize it counted.
I just really do not know what I am doing with my life, its scary. I don’t want you to leave babe. I don’t want to even go to high school.. Its awful. I don’t really like most people there honestly and Id rather be doing other things. Just I dont know I just I hate these feelings. I’m wasting everything. I know I have a lot of potential that I’m wasting. Ugh. :/ Maybe school will be fine. I just dont want to miss you baby. I hate missing you. Everything just scares me. I complain to fucking much.
